As you may have seen on Instagram, I’m at the airport, on my way out of dear Sydney to an exciting destination that nobody has managed to guess just yet! Any takers? I’ll send you an email full of Emojis if you guess correctly. What a prize.
Over the past year, I’ve traveled much more than I have in my entire childhood and adolescence combined – and indeed, I have made the mistake of wearing shoes with metal in them, too many bracelets (Jenna Marbles would not be amused), impractical pants, too many bags, itchy sweaters and bras (dear GOD, bras). But I feel like I have finally, finally, graduated to the point of getting my flight attire right – so much so, that I sang about it to the cat next door and Maroon 5, then proceeded to take a few hurried snaps for you all before my race to the airport. Legal race. I wasn’t speeding.
So, as I sit at departure gate waiting, ironically, for imminent delays, I thought I’d take the time to write up my best plane travel tips for you all. Because I really hate flying, but I love traveling. What can you do? Wallow in misery.*
- Have the moves like Jagger. This is essential for self-entertainment. I regularly dance in corridors and aisles during layovers to stay sane.
- Never wear makeup. You will die. The air-conditioning will dry up your face and your nose will fall off.
- Never brush your hair. Your hair will inevitably look like a sty when you get off the plane, so a bedhead is a buffer for judgement by others, particularly if you’re traveling on your own. At least you can pass it off as an intentional rugged chic.
- Never wear a bra.** You’re never going to be productive on a flight, so you may as well feel like it’s a Sunday afternoon in bed. That’s a good way of putting it – my flights are my Sunday afternoons.
- Don’t watch movies. But only if you’re a cryer. I’m a cryer – I cried in Kung Fu Panda (how depressed would you be if you realised your duck Daddy was not actually your Daddy!?). Ejecting fluids out of your face is not cool. Your neighbour will remember you and hate you forever.
- Jeans are not the devil. Only skinny jeans are – these go-to boyfriend jeans of mine are probably the most comfortable and sartorially friendly pair of legs that I could ask for. As long as your waistline is free to bloat on bad plane food, you’re cooking with gas.
- Never underestimate the law. I just had my 150mL of my favourite KORA cleanser taken off me at security because I forgot about the 100mL situation and now I have lost direction and don’t know what I’m doing.
- Always bring cleanser. Especially for long haul flights, I would add a good moisturiser, and even a refreshing spray or toner. Get up after each meal, brush your teeth and put goop on your face – trust me, it’s a bodily phenomenon. Just as you start warming up when your feet are warm, you feel clean when your face is clean.
- Never start a conversation. Unless you’re in a particularly good mood, and even then, don’t be that person.
- Don’t bring cropped sleeve jackets. Because then, there is no way they will stay tied around your waist – and not even for stylistic pretentiousness (I apologise to all present at my gate who currently think I’m a total loser). It’s one less thing to carry. I’m all for hands-free.
And now, they’re calling for boarding! See you guys on the flipside – and stalk my Instagram like a crazy cat lady if you want to know where I’m going…
*I’ve never flown anything but Economy, so perhaps things are different beyond that forboding curtained divide…
**Obviously, if you are one of those more generously endowed, bras are generally a good idea.